Whistling Man Upsetting Everybody

Despite the immense joy he experiences while whistling mindlessly, a recent investigation showed the people around 43-year-old Ron Heaton are unanimously upset by his piercing mouth tunes.


“I’m just a happy-go-lucky guy living in the greatest city in the world,” says Heaton. “I catch myself whistling all the time. It soothes me.”


Sources confirm that every single other person is actively unsettled by his whistling and wishes it would stop the moment it begins.


“Sometimes I whistle the tune of an old Irish sea shanty, sometimes it’s a Top 40 hit and other times it’s something of my own creation,” says Heaton. “My whistling knows no bounds, except that I do it all the time no matter how densely populated the space around me is.”


People who find themselves physically close to Heaton all agree the whistling needs to stop.


“I work down the hall from him, like 50 feet away, and I still hear him whistling,” says Yolanda Garber. “This is a toxic work environment. I’ve applied to three new jobs at least ten blocks away just to be safe.”


“I’ve been wearing earplugs for the past two years,” says Corbin Vexler, Heaton’s co-worker. “But still, I am haunted by that faint whistle that still pierces through… I don’t know if it’s real or just in my head at this point. He broke me.”


Despite 100% negative feedback, Heaton insists his whistling is charming.


“Whistling? No one ever died from a whistle,” says Heaton.



Projections show that if Heaton continues whistling at this rate, people may actually die or at least lose the will to live if the whistling continues.


“Sure, I’ve been laid off a couple of times in the past few years for reasons I can’t understand,” says Heaton. “I guess all you can do is whistle a happy tune and hope for the best.”