While 33-year-old Carly Cozimer is unable to hold down a job, stick to a workout routine or maintain a relationship that lasts longer than a few dates, she is proud of the one thing in her life that remains consistent: her extremely consistent poop schedule.
“My life is totally in flux,” says Carly. “The only thing I know for sure is that I take a shit every morning at 9:45 AM, no matter what.”
Three years ago, Carly was let go from her job as an editorial assistant and bounced from job to job. Now, she does temp work around Miami, making her day-to-day schedule unpredictable.
“Every evening I get an email from my temp agency telling me where I’ll be working the next day,” says Carly. “My only demand is that if I have to be there by 9:30 AM, the office has to have a bathroom. That’s so I can sit down, the get up and poop.”
Those close to Carly have mixed feelings about their friend’s lifestyle.
“Carly rarely cleans and it’s a toss up whether she’ll pay rent on time,” says Millie Tomlin, Carly’s roommate. “You never know what you’re going to get with her, except that she’ll definitely be in the bathroom Saturdays and Sundays between 9:44 AM and 9:57 AM.”
“To be honest, I wish I was more like Carly,” says Beatrice Cozimer, Carly’s sister. “Everyday I do the same thing, I pick up my kids at the same time and I’m in bed by 10:30 PM. But last week I went three days without dropping a load. So in some ways, her poop schedge is really an inspiration.”
Despite curiosity from those around her, Carly insists her fecal regularity is a mystery, even to her.
“I know I haven’t found success in the traditional sense of the word,” says Carly. “I may not be running some company, but my butthole is my CEO and it is an incredibly reliable boss.”
At the conclusion of this interview, Carly checked her watch then said, “Wow, only 15 hours and twelve minutes until my next poop!”