‘You Could Always Move Home,’ Reports Mom Through Shimmering Tears Of Glee

After navigating a messy breakup with a live-in boyfriend recently, your mom has just come out with a startling proposition, delivered via FaceTime while sporting a look of pure, unfiltered joy: You could, if temporarily, move back home with your parents.


While delivered in a casual tone, experts confirm mom’s heart soared out of her chest merely imagining herself packing a brown paper bag lunch for you to take to work in the city.


“Even just for a little while. You know, just to get you back on your feet,” Mom added immediately after delivering a squeal so high-pitched only dogs could hear it. Her face was aglow from the mere prospect of having one of her kids back in the house.


Apparently feeling she needs to cool her jets a little, Mom adds, “We wouldn’t mind. I mean, we could make it work.” Research suggests this was thinly veiled attempt to not scare you off.


Mom’s suggestion was swiftly and unceremoniously declined on the spot. However, this didn’t stop Mom from offering you “as much time as you need” to think about it, while throwing in an offer to do your laundry to sweeten the deal.


“We’re just a 50-minute train ride into the city,” Mom has declared, apparently under the impression that adding 50 minutes to your commute is feasible. “And dad can pick you up from the station on his way home from work. Easy peasy!”



At print time, Mom has not confirmed that what she wants, more than anything in the world, is for her baby girl to come home for a few months. Though the orgasm-adjacent look on her face at hearing the words, “looking for a new apartment,” prompts suspicion that she’s actually been waiting for you and Michael to break up this whole time.


“What, do you think I want to spend nights feeding you home-cooked meals like before you went to college and didn’t need me anymore?” Mom hastily adds, in what she apparently meant as a rhetorical question. She immediately ended the FaceTime call to go wash your sheets and whip up that chicken recipe you’ve always loved.