In a shocking story emerging from the three-bedroom of a Minneapolis home, 23-year-old Priya Singh is coming to the realization that her younger brother, 20-year-old Pranav Singh, is a complete person.
What the fuck? But he’s her younger sibling!
“When we were kids, it was just so obvious he wasn’t a person yet,” she told reporters gathered at the scene, the Singh childhood home. “I mean, he was always so young. He knew nothing. If I wasn’t there to direct him, he probably wouldn’t have made it to middle school.”
Sources close to the family report that this is not true in the slightest, as Priya was, herself, a child at the time. In fact, most of her “guidance” consisted of pressuring Pranav to lick shampoo or dressing him in elaborate outfits.
“Anyway, so I come home from New York, and I haven’t seen him in a few months,” she continued. “He came down the stairs and all of a sudden, I was like…woah, that’s a whole fucking person. That’s like, a person person. He’s tall and has thoughts and everything.”
Sources confirm Pranav has been a “person person” this whole time, and it is honestly concerning that Priya considered him any less.
“I think it freaked her out that I have a girlfriend and an apartment off-campus and a bunch of job prospects,” Pranav weighed in, typing away at his “whole person” computer. “I think maybe in her mind I was frozen at, like, five –”
“At four, really,” said Priya, bursting through the closed door. “You were frozen at four.”
“She just loves to correct me,” Pranav finished. “You know I’m a financial analyst now, right?”
“Financial analyst intern, loser!” Priya said, running away.
After a brief period of ruckus where they chased each other around the house, Priya once again became melancholic, staring out the window of her childhood bedroom: “He just grew up so fast, you know? Like, his girlfriend is kind of cool. What the fuck? But that’s my brother. He’s literally 13! Is that allowed?”
Sources confirm it is.
At press time, both Priya and Pranav remain on their parents’ health insurance and telephone bill, so the verdict is still out on whether either of them can be considered a “whole person.”
