In another telltale sign of the male loneliness epidemic plaguing this generation, 32-year-old Matt Ryerson has yet to find a “suitable life partner” even though he literally fucking sucks.
What? But he’s a guy! Shouldn’t someone want to spend time with him just because of that?
“I’m so goddamn lonely,” said Matt, who refuses to be in the vicinity of anyone he deems “below a 6” despite objectively being “below a 6” himself. “Frankly, it’s cruel that no woman has decided to become my wife and start operating my life for me for nothing in return except my company.”
Sources confirm Matt is regularly referred to as the “worst piece of shit I’ve ever met,” even among his friend group, which also consists of some pretty bad guys. His hobbies include committing Medicare fraud and jeering at the 14-year-old girls who pass by the window in his room.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is being so mean to me just because I’m a man,” Matt said, even though it’s super clear everyone is being mean to him because he fucking sucks. “I consider it a real societal problem that I haven’t been able to trap a woman into starting an unfulfilling life with me.”
Matt himself confirms that if he were to find someone willing to marry him, he would have absolutely no interest in getting to know or caring for their children.
“Nah, miss me with that shit,” said Matt, who is white but learned AAVE from a Call of Duty chat room over the past 15 years. “I have better shit to do.”
The “shit” Matt does largely consists of drop-shipping sneakers and prank calling the suicide hotline to traumatize workers for fun.
“Listen, it’s not his fault no one ever taught him to be kind or respectful or self-sufficient in any way or to not treat the women around him like objects,” said Matt’s father, Edgar Ryerson. “Actually…on second thought…”
Edgar then trailed off and appeared to genuinely consider this question.
“Yeah, I blame my wife,” he finished.
“I’m just the latest victim of a culture where women are taught they have ‘value’ and should not be relegated to a life they detest just because it’s expected of them,” Matt continued. “It fucking sucks! Ahh! FUCK!”
Matt then punched a wall.
At press time, Matt decided it was time he take his loneliness into his own hands, really put himself out there, and find a woman to neg into oblivion.
