Getting your hair cut can be intimidating. As you walk past the overpriced hair products that you know you’ll get talked into buying and approach the apathetic woman at the front desk, you find yourself worrying, “What is my edgy, fashionable hairstylist going to say about my split ends this time?” But here’s one thing you can control: your panicked answer when he asks you what you’re up to this weekend. Follow these tips to transform your humiliatingly boring weekend plans into activities that will impress your hairstylist, who mostly talks about cocaine and BDSM:
Rule #1 – No cat chat.
Real/Sad Answer: “My feline friends, Catniss Everdeen and Her-meow-one Granger, need to have their claws clipped, so I’m planning on taking them to the vet. The vet is moderately attractive and this will be the most human contact I get all weekend. I’m pretty pumped.”
Cooler Answer: I’m hitting up this hot new club where everyone just lets loose and acts like animals. Last time I was there, my wildest friend shot up some tranquilizers and peed herself and she wasn’t even wearing any clothes except a fur coat.
Rule #2 – Don’t say Netflix.
Real/Sad Answer: Gilmore Girls just went up on Netflix, so I’m going to be pretty busy eating a block of cheese in my bed and watching enough episodes to see Rory in at least four different terrible relationships. I’m hoping I’ll cry at least twice!
Cooler Answer: My friend who I haven’t seen since like 2007 is finally back in my life. I was super into him for a while. We’re totally going to spend hours and hours heating things up in bed together. We may even incorporate some food into our bedroom activities. And I’m actually kind of paying a monthly fee to spend time with him, so it’s like extra kinky.
Rule #3: Only men wear the “sad sailor” thing well.
Real/Sad Answer: Sometimes I hop on the Staten Island Ferry and just ride it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The subtle vibrations help stave off the loneliness; the breeze whips the cat hair right out of the coat that I can’t afford to get dry cleaned; the gentle rocking helps digest all the cheddar I ate in bed.
Cooler Answer: Booze cruise!!!
You get the pattern—just tweak your story until you sound like you’d be most comfortable at a party in a converted firehouse where several people just overdosed. Now get out there and look like you’re cool!