In college, everyone knew that you were the artsy friend. Yet lately, Judith’s Etsy store is the center of everybody’s attention. What gives? She doesn’t deserve anything she has. So if you’re in the market to secure your rightful place at the top of the DIY hierarchy, it might be time to take Judith down a notch. Here’s how to dismantle the credibility of her Etsy store, and bring the communal focus back to you.
Step One: Sow discontent in her reviews.
To destroy Judith’s fledgling enterprise, you’ll first need to target her consumer confidence. Start off by creating a bunch of different Etsy accounts. Clog up her store page with harsh (but totally true!) comments like, “I heard she sources glassware from countries that use child labor,” or, “These earrings gave me an infection that eventually spread to my lungs.” Judith will be so rattled over this PR nightmare.
Step Two: Spin the free market to your advantage!
If Judith’s selling earrings for $25 a pop, just shill the same crafts for $19 or less. You know she just melted a bunch of Troll dolls in a microwave to make those earrings anyway, so show your friends that Judith is making pure profit on these simple, mindless crafts. Judith may as well kiss that nascent business model goodbye.
Step Three: Prove Judith Caused Global Warming.
Next time you’re at brunch, drop casual hints to everyone about J’s ecological consciousness (or rather, her lack thereof), with sneaky remarks like, “I love her pieces, but I’m worried about all the toxins her burning plastic has put into the air. Do we even know how many dolphins have died because of Judith’s whimsy?” Nothing hits a DIY fan base harder than the threat of environmental waste.
Step Four: Smear her character!
No one would want to support Judith’s Etsy store if they thought she had once been convicted of manslaughter—which, for all you know, she was. Drop hints any and everywhere about that crafty creep’s disgusting personal past. In no time at all, her E-bank will be sans bitcoin – and you’ll be free to grab everyone’s attention again with that super unique shirt you made by cutting the neck open so it’s droopy in front.
It’s time that everyone recognizes your creativity while Judith and her jewelry burn in Internet hell. So this holiday season, take back the crafts!