Greek Yogurt has evolved from our favorite way to start the day to a go-to replacement for fatty condiments in our cooking. Much like mayonnaise, there are probably people in your life that you never really liked but put up with because you thought they were a necessary evil. Stop everything and swap them out for Greek Yogurt! You’ll see how refreshing and guilt-free life can be when you swap out these three people with your favorite Greek treat:
End the age-old dilemma about whether you should have a male or female gynecologist by hiring an androgynous tub of Greek yogurt! Make sure to go for the plain variety, because any added sugar is going to mess with that gnarly yeast infection that you had in the first place.
Besides soothing relief, Greek yogurt also boasts a grade-A bedside manner. Greek yogurt will never give you the side eye and secretly judge you while you wait for the results of that STD test. Greek yogurt thinks your lady bits are a beautiful and magical expression of womanhood no matter what state of grooming they happen to be in. So don’t waste any more time: balance your budget and your pH by substituting your current gyno with Greek yogurt.
What’s the secret to a successful marriage? Swapping out your mother-in-law for Greek yogurt. Greek yogurt won’t raise an eyebrow and bite her tongue over the way you discipline your children, because Greek yogurt doesn’t have eyebrows or a tongue. Rest assured, Mama Yogurt will never compare your housekeeping or cooking skills to her own. She understands that a little clutter and some frozen meals come with the territory when your son is married to a successful, modern woman such as yourself.
When Greek yogurt stays the night, go ahead and set her up in the guest bedroom right next to yours – it’s never awkward having sex when Greek yogurt is in the house. Yep, when Greek yogurt raised the man of your dreams, life is good. He should never have to choose between the two most important women in his life; when you make this substitution he won’t have to, because one of them will be an inanimate object.
Your Yoga Instructor:
That skinny bitch has got to go. If we all got paid to work out, we could look like that, too. But now a more realistic role model is within reach, and that role model is Greek yogurt. Greek yogurt has a body like a real woman: thick, creamy, and embarrassingly pale with an unappealing watery film over the top that needs to be stirred in. When you’re not obsessing over your body insecurities on the mat, you’re probably worrying that your workout clothes make you look like a total amateur, but don’t worry – Greek yogurt can’t afford Lululemon, either. Not even the headband.
Another perk of switching out your yoga teacher for Greek yogurt is knowing that while holding a particularly difficult pose in Bikram, you aren’t the only one in the room fantasizing about being in a refrigerator. Greek yogurt will never touch you inappropriately while making adjustments, unless you’re into that sort of thing. And most importantly, Greek yogurt never hears your farts, even when the rest of the class does.
Namaste, Greek yogurt. You inspire us.