We’ve all had the friend who asks us about our lives and opinions, only to let us know how wrong we are in the face of their unblemished virtue. Don’t you wish you could out-righteous even the most self-righteous among them? Follow these tips so you can be your Best Self, even when everyone else’s Best Self is trying to best you!
Get Righteously Offended by a Harmless Joke:
When your coworker makes an innocent joke about how she’s nearly out of pens, take it straight to Serious-Town: “Yeah, well, Barbara, aren’t we lucky that we work somewhere where using pens is the extent of our physical labor?!” Making others feel guilty for not realizing how privileged they are is a surefire win in any situation.
Make A Point. Cite Well-Respected Journalistic Sources/Oprah:
You’re at brunch with a frenemy who manages to come across as self-satisfied, even while ordering her Eggs Benedict. But when she brings up your love life in a desperate attempt to cut you down, you’ll be ready with facts from well-respected journalistic sources or Oprah: “I’m using an article from O Magazine to guide my relationship with Jake. So yeah…it’s going really well.”
Turn Piety into Pity:
When your pious aunt mentions that she just “doesn’t know what the world is coming to sometimes,” patronizingly encourage her. “Aww, Aunt Bev, don’t be discouraged. You obviously need to be stronger….I will pray for you.” Hold her hand and look her in the eye. She will be shocked, saying something like “No, no! I will pray for you!” You’ve obviously rattled her. Check and Mate.
When your frenemy says something especially obnoxious, say to her, with arrogant mirth, “Hmm…I knew you were going to say that. You would say that.” When she’s all like, “Wait…what?!” just laugh a little and say, “No, I love you, you know I totally love you, it’s just like, that was so you.” Don’t ever explain. Just dismiss her and be content with how demeaning you’ve been.
Pull the ‘I Work at a Non-Profit’ Card by Getting a Job at a Non-Profit:
This can be used in the most extreme situations, particularly with doctors, doulas, organic farmers, and philanthropists: if anyone mentions anything remotely self-aggrandizing, tell them how it reminds you of your job, where you work day in and day out solely for the benefit of others. They will have no choice but to solemnly agree.
Congratulations! You have beaten self-righteousness with self-righteousness!