Looking for a fun revamp of your digs? Always been meaning to redecorate but never quite knew where to start? Specifically, do you want people to look at your bedroom and immediately think that you fuck a lot?
1: Get Rid of Any References to Your Non-Sex Life
Show him this isn’t your first time at the rodeo by taking down those pictures of you and your parents on vacation in Hershey, PA. Let him know that sex is all that’s on your mind by setting up several floor-length mirrors that show that you definitely like to fuck in a mirror! You can find floor-length mirrors for $20 in Target’s home section (where you used to buy your poetry covered “Friends Forever” picture frames).
2: The Just-Fucked Scrunchie
What kind of message does the outside of your bedroom door give off? A slutty one, let’s hope! Tie a hot pink scrunchie around the doorknob to make it seem like you just got done fucking before he arrived. “Don’t you live alone?” he might say. “You really own a giant hot pink scrunchie?” “This old thing?” you respond, while playfully launching it at his groin. “I only wear it when I don’t care who I’m fucking.”
3: Lay Out the Condoms
This is the most important vestige of passive sexual telling: I usually recommend a large, durable plastic storage bin. But if you really want to maximize your space, invest in a “shabby chic” wicker shelving system. Allow condoms to overflow and spill off the shelves, showing him you mean business. Bonus points if you casually leave opened wrappers in the trash can and strewn about the floor. This tells him, “I have a lot of sex and I never let my mom in here.”
4: Literally Turn Up the Heat
You’re going to want to invest in an all-room, digitally controlled heating and electronic A/C system. Before he arrives, turn up the heat so he’ll slowly lose consciousness and you can easily remove his clothes. It doesn’t matter so much whether you actually have sex, so long as he wakes up hours later with no idea what came over him. Between the condoms and your wild indifference, he’ll be sure that you fucked at least seven times while he was unconscious.
Once all of these steps are set into motion, men will flock to your casa de fuckpad like moths to a deadly fuck flame! Go get ‘em, ladies!