Life can be hard—especially when the world is full of hot people constantly getting in the way of your own self-confidence. Not to worry! If you feel surrounded by people who make you feel not as smart, or good-looking, or just not quite in their league, here are some tips for self-care that are actually all just convincing yourself that anyone who is prettier absolutely has to be dumb as shit.
Go For a Run Around the Block While Thinking About How All Hot People Are Dumb
Exercise is proven to improve your state of mind, so take a quick run around the block in the morning to feel healthy and centered. And if you just think really hard about how the biggest hottie in your high school thought that “Moby Dick” was a porno, you can honestly just skip the run and pat yourself on the back for being you because all hot people MUST be dumb. They MUST!
Soak in a Bubble Bath and Envision Someone Good-Looking Being Real Stupid
Treat yourself to a nice calming bath with lavender oils as a wind-down from a hard day of looking at a bunch of fucking 10’s walk by you on the street. Let yourself get lost in the warm water, the soothing aromas, but mostly just reflect on the time that Hot Josh asked you how to spell “cup.” Jesus Christ, what a dumb-dumb. In fact, if you’re thinking about Josh you can actually do this exercise without the oils, or even the water. Just focus on that sexy, sexy idiot, because if there’s any fairness in this universe they’re all just as dumb as Josh!
Express Gratitude That You’re Not a Moron
Write a Thank You letter to your parents telling them you’re grateful for all the things they’ve pass onto you, the best thing being their combined IQ. While their DNA cocktail might not have made the hottest bitch on the block, at least your head isn’t full of blocks like that hot mean girl at work who is currently being catfished by someone posing as Paul Ryan.
Flip Through a Magazine and Draw Dunce Caps on All the Models
It’s impossible to be on 24 hours a day. Set aside some time to do something frivolous, like flipping through your favorite gossip rag. Then draw dunce caps on all the starlets who are rich and famous and gorgeous and must be super-duper dumb right?? You must believe this or you won’t able to get out of bed every morning. They are nincompoops and you are not. Say it with me!
Taking care of YOU should always be a top priority. And to do that you need to constantly beat it into your head that if someone is more attractive than you they have to be dumber. You cannot be both hot and smart. It’s impossible! It has to be! Right?! Right. If you’re ever feeling like you’re not good enough just remember that all hot people are dumb.