This Fall’s Must-Have Emotional Voids

Fall’s just around the corner, which means it’s time to get your style in gear – even if you have no idea who you are or why you’re here anymore!


1. Sadness

Whether picking pumpkins or taking an interior design workshop, a simple, elegant, void of sadness will highlight your saddest features, as well as that noise that habitually comes out of your throat because you never got into grad school or are wasting perfectly nice brocade in your sister’s workshop that she let you sit in on just to get you out of the house.



2. Disappointment

Fall is all about bold risk – just like your failed attempt to start a Farmer’s Market stand. So break out your best projection of disappointment, and never forget the failure that brought you here (This goes perfectly with an oversized knit!).


3. Emptiness

Winter is near. You are the scraped remnants of the shell of a human, tossed into a black hole at the far end of the Eastern universe, never to be seen again. Crawl. Crawl far away. Crawl into the leaves accumulating in front of your house. Or why don’t you wither away in that disgusting pig palace you call an apartment. Everyone will be sure to notice your adorable sense of nothingness!


4. Paranoia

Nobody has a kind thing to say about you – especially after your recent outbreak of “paranoia” at the barbecue where “nobody said anything to you at all.” Who are your friends? Does your family even care? Be prepared for the wind chill from within, which will be perfect for a brisk, Autumn sulk in the park!


5. Numbness

Your pumpkins are rotting. You are Halloween … Go home.


So head outside while the weather’s still beautiful! And with these newest layers of emotional voids, you’re sure to be the most existentially plummeting person around!