Your kids are angels and you will always love them. But James just peed in the ball pit and Ava is screaming for no reason and there is no way you are going to let the moms around you know that you were responsible for their upbringing. Here are six ways you can pretend that those little bastards are definitely not your kids:
1. Cheer for other kids.
Your daughter just made another amateur move on the soccer field, and frankly, it’s getting embarrassing. Ignore the pitfalls of your lackluster gene pool and cheer for her more talented friend, Amanda. Amanda is a parent favorite and if people think she’s in with you, they’ll forget that you’re not actually her mom.
2. Don’t buy them tickets at the movies.
Kids always have to pee halfway through the movie, and they want to watch the dumbest stuff. Don’t associate yourself with those losers; buy yourself another ticket to see Guardians of the Galaxy and let your kids play alone in the lobby. Kids are a resourceful; they’ll find a way to sneak into some Pixar movie with another family.
3. Complain about them to management.
If the kids are making a fuss in a nice restaurant, treat them how you would treat anybody else: find a manager and make a formal complaint. Who complains about their own kids to management? No one does. There’s no way fellow patrons will think those kids are yours once they overhear your rant about how “those monsters shouldn’t be allowed in a place like this.”
4. Say you’re their aunt.
Fun Aunts never get in trouble for letting kids run a little crazy. Strangers will see them having a great time with you, and understand that they’re probably just excited to see you. They’ll think you’re a saint for giving their mother a break will admiring your fun-aunt youthfulness.
5. Fly separately.
Nobody wants to be “the one with kids” on the plane, so just let them fly coach and hire a driver to meet them at your destination. Meanwhile, you can relax incognito in first class. Come up with a compelling alias and tell the person beside you about your rich childless life. Make sure not to make eye contact if you have to walk through the coach cabin.
It takes so long for kids to turn into adults! Hanging out with them will be so much more fun when you can both have a drink in your hand anyway, so just wait it out.