Cardio Kickboxing Moves That Will Make Your Murderer Go “Aww!”

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Women’s kickboxing classes don’t just tone your butt – they also give you a 45-minute crash course in becoming a street warrior! But before we find ourselves facing certain death, here are some fun cardio self-defense moves sure to make our murderers put their hands to their face and go, “Awww.”


1. Jab, Cross, Front Kick, Squat, Jump, Switch:
If you’re looking to rev your heart rate into “fight or flight” mode, try this series of adorable jabs. This move’s varied elements are sure to confuse your muscles as much as your bemused murderer! But it’s not necessarily going to help save your life, unless your aggressor is an enchanted terracotta warrior or the inanimate strike pad you used in class. Either way, it’s DEFINITELY cute.


2. Roundhouse Kick-and-Switch:
This move will really limber your legs before he drags you to an early grave! It’ll also force your murderer stand back and smile as he moves five steps back and waits for you to get tired. And when your 300-pound assailant comes after you, it’ll definitely buy you some time while he admires your feistiness.


3. Back Kick and Knee Strike:
If you developed any kind of muscle memory for this upper-level move, prepare to look adorable in front of two or more of your murderers. In the ideal scenario, you’re jabbing one guy in the balls with your knee, and every time he leans down to go “OWEE!” you kick the other guy standing behind you in the nuts. There are probably some sound effects accompanying this, because you are on the set of the fifth 3 Ninjas movie. If this is not the case, you’re so cute, your murderer will probably want to make a meme of you before he grabs your kicking leg and kills you.


4. Jab, Cross, Upper Cut:
This one is a lot of arms – so let’s hope that your murderer kills you before you develop man-arms! Just kidding, but seriously, it won’t help if the guy has a knife or a gun or any upper-body strength at all. Beside the fact that you’ll be too shocked to react, and that most women are murdered by men they already know, your future masked murderer will FOR SURE cock his head to the side and go “AWWW!”


5. Speedbag:
Ok, stop, you’re so adorable, even I want to kill your cute butt!