The 5 Best Moments During the New Star Wars Movie to Touch His Dick Over His Pants

Have a hot date Friday night, but all he’s interested in is seeing the new Star Wars movie? No problem! Even if you have no interest in this movie, you can still feel like a part of the evening and work this to your sexual advantage. Nothing gets a man more aroused than the latest installment of the greatest sci-fi film franchise of all time, so ride that Millennium Falcon all the way to bonertown by reaching over and giving him a little hand action during the most exciting parts. Here are the five most dick-touchy on-screen moments that are sure to awaken his force:


1. The First Time Harrison Ford Appears On Screen

Gay, straight, bi, wookie—whatever your preferences, Harrison Ford transcends them all. So give your guy’s semi at seeing the beautifully aging visage of a Hollywood heartthrob a little warp speed boost with a well-placed hand to the crotch. His body will be saying, “I love you” while your hand replies, “I know.”



2. When An X-Wing Explodes

Prep yourself for a grab anytime there’s a big chase scene with a bunch of X-wings, because when they shoot across the screen, those fighter jets won’t be the only thing heating up. Exploit his natural animal response to speed, violence, and shit blowing up by causing a little explosion of your own…in his pants.


3. When Daisy Ridley Kicks the Shit Out of a Dude in Hand-to-Hand Combat

Nothing’s hotter than a girl who can fight, especially if that girl is also already insanely hot to begin with. But don’t get jealous of the beautiful and talented Daisy Ridley who plays the film’s heroine, Rey. Just channel all of your boyfriend’s sexual excitement at seeing her kick ass into that magic hand of yours and give him a 3D, surround-junk experience he won’t soon forget.


4. The Crossguard Light Saber Fight

A light saber is already a deadly weapon, but this new film features ones with short, but just as dangerous, glowing lasers coming off the handle at 90-degree angles to the main blade. Sure, fans of the franchise have complained that this added feature would only serve to increase the likelihood that the owner would cut himself with the laser, and you know that any type of gun would be way more efficient at defeating enemies than a light saber, but all he’ll be thinking about when he sees two of these badass weapons go head to head is how horny he is. Push his below-the-belt laser beam button and watch it fully extend and prepare for combat.



5. When John Boyega Removes His Stormtrooper Helmet

Holy shit, stormtroopers can go rogue?! Unless he’s a total racist, your man will be jacked up by the newness and empowerment of Finn’s plotline, so take advantage of his excited state by adding some more unexpected stimulus to the mix. Is that an R2 unit in his pants, or is he just happy to see a positive and significant depiction of a person of color in the Star Wars universe? Either way, you win.


Remember, Star Wars is about childhood wonder, epic battles of good versus evil, and a good, solid handjob when the lights go out, hopefully. Sure, he may say you’re just distracting him from “the most important cinematic event of the year”, but you’ll be sure to make this Star Wars a movie event to remember. Have fun, and may the force be with you!