Men have been getting away with pulling some fucked up shit against womankind, and we need to band together and put an end to their grievous trespasses against us. But my boyfriend Michael is one of the good ones, and he’s super duper sorry for the things he’s done, which he didn’t really mean to do at the time. Here are five unforgivable offenses that the evil regime of men have been getting a pass on for far too long, except for Michael, because he promised not to do it ever again and I’m not like a monster or anything.
Whoever came up with “forgive and forget” should be punched in the dick because it was definitely a man. We are all queen bees and should be treated like royalty, which means that if any stinking, despicable man wants to fool around behind our backs—OFF WITH HIS DUMB FUCKING HEAD. No exceptions! Except my snuggle bear, Michael. Because it was just that one or more times and meant nothing and he was dealing with some mommy issues and he’s grown a lot since then.
Us women, we put ourselves out there. We lay our hearts on the line. So, no, I do not think it’s “totes whatevs” if a blood-sucking man-devil suddenly becomes unresponsive and leaves us embarrassed with our clits in our hands. No more, motherfuckers. The next guy to ghost any woman will be subject to public flogging and put on the terror watch list. Of course, we won’t do that to Michael. Because his phone is probably just dead or he’s taking a really long shower and I’m not gonna freak out just because I haven’t heard from him in a week. Come on, I’m not a complete psycho!!
Nope. Nah-uh. Not today, dickheads. Mansplaining should be officially recognized as the eighth deadly sin, or it should replace ‘sloth’ because who the fuck cares about sloth. Gals, if ever, even a little bit, a soulless member of the male species speaks to you as if you are not the radiant, sexually superior goddess that you are, make sure that he’s not Michael because if it is then he’s probably just trying to be helpful and didn’t know his tone was coming across that way and totally doesn’t mean anything by it!
BURN THE PATRIARCHY DOWN but my darling Michael has a really smart and important point to make and it can’t wait.
Usually this is really a nonstarter but Michael feels like, SO bad about it, guys.
And there you have it, you warrior princesses. Make no excuses, take no prisoners. We will put an end to these unpardonable offenses and free ourselves from oppression at the vile hands of men! Not Michael’s hands, obvi. So soft!