3 Cute Ways To Breathe Very Quietly Inside Brian’s Closet

Shhh! Brian is sleeping, and you need to be as quiet as a church mouse! It all started as a casual drive by his apartment to see if he still drowns his plants, but it’s too late to turn back now. Here are three adorable ways to inhale and exhale very, very softly, because he doesn’t need to know you are inside his closet, nor how you got there, or why!


Long and Slow

Many a nervous closet-hider is prone to sharp puffs of breath, but that can lead to being found out. Imagine a tennis player in your closet going, “Huh! Huh! Huh!” after they hit the ball each time. You’d probably hear them right? Instead, with longer, slower breaths, your presence will be totally top secret, and Brian will never know that you kept that key to his apartment after you broke up and are currently watching him do crunches. Who is he trying to impress? Is he seeing someone?!


Through A Straw

Breathing through a straw will help keep your oxygen focused and undetectable. You can also stick it through the cracks of Brian’s closet to get fresh air as you watch him do whatever he supposedly needs to do without you. Oh my God, is he watching The Mindy Project? HE NEVER USED TO WATCH THAT WHEN YOU ASKED HIM TO!



Muffled Into One Of His Shirts

If worst comes to worst, you can always muffle your breathing into one of Brian’s old flannels. He’ll never know how much you miss him, or even that you are quietly farting into some of his old ALDO boxes. Boy, is he in for a surprise when he opens those up to stick Christmas presents in he can’t wrap himself!


Now that you know the three cutest, most silent ways to breathe as someone who was formerly welcome in Brian’s home, get to sleuthing! Perhaps you’ll find evidence of a new girlfriend, or at least one logical reason why he broke up with you. We don’t have any idea, either!