Winter is near, which means two things: more time cuddling up inside with your man, and more dreaded dry skin. Here are our top picks for moisturizers that will make your skin so moist, you’ll be slipping right off of him!
Olay Quench Ultra Moisture (Walmart, $7.99)
This is our favorite drugstore moisturizer! For extra slippage action, be sure to put on at least four layers of this gunk before go-time. It’s perfect for when you wanna tease him with reverse cowgirl, but not actually bone because your skin’s so lubed up you keep sliding off the bed.
Vaseline Intensive Care Spray Moisturizer (CVS, $8.99)
This product is ideal for when you’re in a hurry to fuck but don’t want to sacrifice your skin’s health. You’ll notice you can barely get your rocks off because you keep gliding right off his body, but hey, at least your skin is on point this winter! Insider tip: When he wonders why the hell you can’t stay on top, tell him, “I found this new Vaseline spray-on lotion on sale at CVS…” in your sexiest come-hither voice.
Avocado and Honey Mixture (Homemade)
That’s right: a homemade moisturizer with all-natural ingredients. He’ll go crazy for you because you smell like a salad! Perfect for those cozy, blizzardy nights when you can’t stay on top of him because your body’s so fucking greased up.
Actual Butter (Kerrygold Salted Irish Butter—Whole Foods, $4.50)
Forget “body butter”—why not skip right to the key ingredient? For even smoother skin, microwave the butter for about a minute. The effect is oiled-up skin that will keep you both on your toes as you try to straddle him for longer than five seconds, to no avail. Giggle and yell, “Oops!” each time it happens so that it’s a cute little sex game! He’ll be hella turned on, maybe.
Olive Oil (Kirkland Signature Organic Extra Virgin Olive Oil—Costco, $19.19)
Because why not? Keep your skincare routine super organic with some high-quality olive oil, or just use whatever you have from the last time you sautéed onions. He will definitely complain about blue balls since you can’t stop slithering off of him during sex, but he’ll love how your skin feels like an oil slick!
There you have it: our top picks for moisturizers that will heal your dry skin and destroy your ability to ride the dick. Buh-bye, dead skin! Also, buh-bye sex life because you can’t stay on top of him long enough for either of you to orgasm.