It’s 11:59 PM on New Year’s Eve, and the crowd’s already counting down. You’ve been looking forward to this moment all night. The traditional kiss at midnight means he’s the first person you’ll see in 2016, and that sets the vibe for the rest of the year—except you just threw up. Holy shit. What happened? You only had one drink to loosen up. And another drink to sustain your state of looseness. And another to toast your loososity. Then a bottle of champagne—it’s New Year’s Eve, for Christ’s sake—then suddenly you’re up to your slingbacks in upchuck. Don’t let that slow you down. He doesn’t know any of this. Don’t let a little thing like vomit spoil your magic night. Here’s how:
1. Prep your lips.
If you have decided not to just go home and have a burrito in bed and are still on board to go through with a kiss, you’re gonna need to make your lips look less disgusting. A menthol lip balm tickles your lips down to your toes, and enough of it will mask your regurgitated liquor breath. It’s not much, but it’s something!
2. Start with a few pecks.
Tease him with pecks to his left cheek, nose, right cheek—anywhere but his lips. This will drive him crazy while maxing out your mouth’s recovery time. Press your lips gently but firmly enough to wipe your mouth of any stray flecks of shrimp cocktail.
3. Use your hands.
Place both hands on his chest—he’ll think you’re passionate! Plus, the room is spinning and you need him to steady yourself. Reach behind him and run your fingers through his hair if you’re really woozy, which of course you are. He’ll think you’re dizzy with affection and excitement for the New Year!
4. Nibble his ears.
A playful minibite or two lets him know you’re hot for him! Also his ear is far from his mouth and cannot smell things. You can exhale, reflect your breath off it, and do one last self-smell test. If the aroma is blech, try something coy and ladylike, like licking his hair. That counts as a kiss, right?
5. Suck his lips.
Savor the moist plumpness of his lips! Seriously—you need the hydration. If you feel yourself start to collapse, remember not to bite his bottom lip to hold on. He will know something’s off.
Midnight! The confetti makes your red eyes not only water, but flood. You made it! When he goes in for the French, smooch instead! A smooch is a kiss with that cute little sound at the end when your lips break contact. He’ll think you’re demure, even though you recently did several shots of Fireball off a girl’s bellybutton!
7. Swig more alcohol, then use your tongue.
For your own safety, you shouldn’t have another drop. But for his taste buds, you’re gonna need some liquid lubrication. Don’t look back. You’re in this together now. But oh god, something’s coming up. Oh god, get away from his mouth, get away right now before you barf into his mouth…
Kiss him so he takes you in his arms and remembers this moment forever, or at least carries to your friend’s care you when you pass out. Happy 2016!