A groundbreaking study out of the Yale Department of Psychology has identified the single most embarrassing human experience, and it’s accidentally playing a motivational TikTok video out loud for everyone to hear.
“It was a close race at first,’” said lead researcher Dr. Phoebe Green. “But once we tested ‘thinking your headphones are plugged in and accidentally blasting “RULE 1: COLD SHOWERS ONLY” to a coffee shop full of people’, it became an immediate front-runner for the most embarrassing experience.”
The study confirmed that of all motivational TikToks, the ones about passive income are the worst.
“Look, there’s no shame in benefitting from a pre-teen yelling inspiring quotes at you,” Dr. Green continued. “But there is plenty of shame in broadcasting ‘PAIN IS AN ILLUSION, INVEST NOW’ to a group of strangers.”
“Accidentally playing a motivational TikTok at full volume” beat out other extremely embarrassing experiences like calling your teacher “mom,” referring to an acquaintance by the wrong name, and having your dad accompany you to gynecology appointments as a teen.
The study found that, on average, every time you accidentally play a motivational TikTok at full volume, it takes six months off of your life.
“It’s equivalent to smoking 1,000 packs of cigarettes,” said first-year researcher Julia Schrader. “Not to mention that it’s social suicide.”
This news did not come as a surprise to literally anyone who has ever done this.
“Yeah, I’ve peed my pants in public before,” said experimental group participant Jessie Neeman. “At my own wedding. Right as the ordained minister said ‘You may kiss the bride,’ and I’d rather relive that moment a hundred times over than play ‘5 Tips for Making the Most of Your Day’ out loud again.”
“The experimental techniques for this project were simple,” Dr. Green said. “We had multiple groups unknowingly experience embarrassing things, then rate the experience on a scale from 1 to 10. We didn’t even get a reading on the group that had to play motivational TikToks at full volume, because they all opted to immediately exile themselves from society.”
Due to irreversible psychological effects on participants, the experiment has now been deemed unethical.
“It’ll go down in history,” Dr. Green continued. “The Stanford Prison Experiment, the Milgram Experiment, ‘the TikTok One,’ they’ll all be equally remembered.”
At press time, Green was presenting her findings to the American Psychological Board when her computer pulled up a tab where she was watching a video entitled “My 5-9 Before My 9-5” on the desktop version of TikTok, which is even worse. No one has heard from her since.
