In a developing story emerging over Instagram DMs, it appears that your 32-year-old situationship, Matthew King, can somehow sense that you are about to get over him, as he just sent you a message asking, “What are you up to tonight?”
Okay, spidey senses! Looks like this guy’s a ‘super’!
“Sure, I haven’t wanted to talk to, look at, or even feel the presence of this chick in the past three weeks, even though she’s tried to get in touch with me several times,” Matthew told reporters. “Anyway, I woke up and was like, huh, wonder if she still wants to chill.”
Sources confirm you do not want to chill; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. You’ve spent the last three weeks trying to convince yourself to expect more from a romantic partner and have been slowly healing your self-confidence, a process that will undoubtedly be slowed by Matthew’s insistence on returning to your life.
Reporters deduced that you finally started to get over him this morning, but some force seems to have alerted him telepathically.
“I bolted up in bed at 8:36 a.m. with an unshakable urge to message her,” he said. “Which is crazy, because I normally wake up around 2 p.m.”
“8:36 a.m. is exactly when I had the thought,” you told reporters. “It’s time that I finally let Matt go. I deserve to be with someone who is consistent and loving, not emotionally unavailable and honestly, stinky.”
This isn’t the first time Matt’s spidey sense for knowing when you’re about to ditch his ass has foiled your plans, either. According to eyewitnesses, you were about to get over him approximately eight months ago when he miraculously showed up at your door with flowers, chocolate, and a hand-written apology.
“It was so sweet that I decided I must’ve been wrong all along,” you told reporters. “Then, I asked if he wanted to grab dinner soon, and he ghosted me on and off for the next eight months.”
In addition to this unique spidey sense, Matt also possesses other useless abilities: he can weave intricate excuses for why he’s canceling on plans 40 minutes after they were scheduled to begin and can practically climb up walls to avoid you in public settings. Sources confirm he uses none of these abilities for good.
“He has great power, but he feels absolutely zero responsibility,” one of Matt’s friends, Kyle Satagawa, confided in you after Matt had strung you along for about a year and a half. “He’s become a monster. Very ‘Toby Maguire in Spider-Man 3 circa 2007.’”
