This past Sunday, extremely rude friend Nadia Lerner demonstrated a blatant disregard for social norms and niceties when she showed up to a friend’s pool party with zero cellulite on her body.
As soon as she began to disrobe, many were blindsided by her inconsiderate actions.
“I was just trying to have a nice, relaxing time with my friends in the water,” said another guest. “I wasn’t looking for any drama, but as soon as Nadia rolled up with her taut thighs I knew we were going to have a problem.”
Sasha Lane, the pool party’s host, tried to keep all the other guests in attendance calm.
“Nadia is an old friend,” said Lane. “So I kind of had to invite her. I was really hoping she wouldn’t pull something like this, but honestly I should have known. She’s always been impolitely cellulite-free.”
“I would never try to police someone’s body,” continued Lane. “I can only speak for myself, but I just know that if I didn’t have any cellulite on my body, I would keep on my shorts for everyone’s comfort, or wear some sort of vintage full-coverage swimwear. That’s just the way I was raised: to think of other people.”
Lane reportedly rushed over to Lerner and wrapped her in a towel, but it was too late as the faux pas had already been observed by a majority of the party-goers.
“I don’t have a problem,” said attendee Rachel Ortega. “I just think it’s a little immature. I mean no cellulite? Grow up. I guess I just don’t have time to worry about that stuff because I have a job.”
Despite the serious backlash, Lerner was quick to defend herself against the accusation of any wrongdoing.
“I have a job too!” said Lerner. “I don’t even workout actually. I did play soccer for a couple of years in high school though. Maybe that’s what I look like this?”
“Anyway, I actually think cellulite is beautiful. Maybe because it’s so foreign to me,” Lerner added, at which point the reporter on the scene stopped recording because they had heard enough.
Miraculously, the gathering went on as planned in spite of Lerner’s discourteous display.
“I still managed to enjoy myself,” said Ortega. “I just hope we never repeat this situation. Pool parties can be vulnerable spaces, but we’re not kids anymore. We should know how to act.”