Everyone has their different qualifications and dealbreakers when it comes to who they date, and I’m no exception. Over the years I’ve learned how to be more discerning in order to only spend time and energy on guys who are really worth it, and that’s why I’ve cultivated the practice of exclusively dating men who drive really loud cars.
In the past I may have opted to date men who are handsome, emotionally stable, or with whom I have compatible life goals, but aren’t those just superficial characteristics? They don’t really tell you who a person is. You know what does? Driving a car with a loud ass engine that goes VROOM. That tells me: This person is confident, this person is awesome at sex, this person is not afraid to send something back at a restaurant however many times it takes to get it right, even if the issue is so more that they didn’t know tartare is supposed to be raw.
Maybe a younger me would have settled for an otherwise great guy in a Subaru or a Prius, but I’ve grown. I want a man in a car with an engine so loud it makes dogs bark and children afraid.
In fact, just the other day a man pulled up next to me at a stoplight and started revving his engine. As a woman who knows what I want, I headed straight toward him, unhooking my bra as I approached. Weirdly, as soon as the light turned green, he sped away. I might expect this timidity from a man in a quieter car, but I believe this instance to be the exception that proves the rule, and so I have not given up my quest for a loud car man.
Some people will say that men with loud cars are all bark and no bite: that they’re overcompensating for some deficit in personality, or (an even more tired trope) penis size. And to that I say, nice try Freud, but Occam’s razor, baby. If the car is loud, he’s large and in charge. If the car is lifted? Oh, you’ll be taken to new heights.
So that’s why I cut through all the nonsense and only date men with really loud cars. And hopefully those men are ready to date me: A woman who shoplifts at PetSmart even though I don’t have a pet. Come and get it, noisy boys!