REPORT: Wedding Guests Crying During Vows Are All Thinking About Their Own Shit

A report emerging from the wedding you’re currently attending confirms that all the guests crying during the vows are not crying about the beauty of this moment as it pertains to the couple in question, but rather they are all thinking about their own shit. 


You first noticed people around you crying when the bride entered and, to be honest, you felt a little insecure about it. 


“People were tearing up when she walked down the aisle, and by the time they started their vows, it was a blubber fest,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “But the more I looked at the people around me, I realized it wasn’t really about Sarah and Brian. It was their own shit.”


Experts like psychologist Dr. Ananya Chaudry confirm it’s pretty rare for someone else’s happiness to spark that amount of emotion. 


“When we see people crying at weddings, you might think they’re just super happy for the couple, but that’s rarely the case,” she told reporters. “It’s about what the couple brings up for them, whether it’s a memory of a previous relationship, a fear they’ll never have a similar love of their own, or even a tacit acknowledgement of their own mortality.”


Of wedding guests publicly surveyed after the ceremony, 100% said they were crying because they were so moved by the vows, but when reporters got respondents alone, the guests admitted it was about their own shit all along. 


“Seeing Sarah that happy just made me think about my ex, Georgio,” said the bride’s close friend, Dana Winters. “And once I thought about Georgio and how happy he made me and how stupid I was for fucking it up, the tears just flowed. Good thing it’s super normal to cry at a wedding, right? Phew.”


Of respondents surveyed in private, only 5% said they were crying happy tears. 80% said they cried sad tears, 10% said their tears were longing or regretful, and the other 4% admitted they didn’t even know what emotion was associated with the act. 



“I felt totally fine, and then boom: I touch my cheeks and I’m crying,” said groomsman Charlie Tate. “But why am I crying? What am I feeling? I guess I don’t know. It’s an emotionally overwhelming moment, you know?”


When reporters suggested maybe Charlie was crying because the moment made him confront how his deep-seeded fear of intimacy was exactly at odds with his inherently human need for emotional connection, he said, “Oh yeah, probably.”


Sources confirm the last 1% of respondents were crying because they did genuinely get something in their eye.