In a recent report out of the University of Pennsylvania, researchers have found that there is no so-called “right” way to be single, but have confirmed the way that you’re doing it isn’t exactly great.
The report postulated that being on your own can be both beautiful and transformative – but not the way you’re doing it, which is grotesque and honestly a little sad.
“There are hundreds of thousands of fulfilling ways to be single,” said Dr. Olivia Burke, the lead researcher on the study. “None of them are any better or more correct than another. In fact, the only thing we can say with absolute certainty is that the way you do singlehood is…well it’s just not what we would recommend to someone else. Or anyone really; it’s pretty not good”
Beyond simply impacting the study by being the only wrong way to be single, your case impacted the actual people working on the study – with your weird, depressing life delivering a deep emotional blow to their psyches in a potentially permanent way.
“After years spent working on this study, I didn’t think there was a wrong way to be single,” said PhD candidate and head research assistant, Addy Waters. “I witnessed single people grow in a breathtaking plethora of inspiring ways. That is until we saw what you were up to. Something shifted in the lab that day.”
Sources who worked on the study claimed things were never the same after that.
Whether it was a loss of morale, or a deep permeating despair that came from witnessing your atrocious single-person proclivities that came to a head with you reading the entire Lord of the Rings series (including the Hobbit) in eight days, the study came to a close soon after you were observed.
“We were already getting close to concluding the study anyways,” Dr. Burke admitted to reporters. “But seeing the way you grocery shopped definitely sped up the process. No one should be buying that much shredded cheese.”
Dr. Burke went on to add that she initially considered redacting you from the study altogether, claiming your case might present a “health and safety concern” for those who read it.
“I was tempted to flag your case as an outlier and present the findings of our study as a singular, awe-inspiring mosaic of the millions of different, yet equally great, ways to be single,” she said. “But, in the end, I felt it was more helpful to present the incredible stories of single people from all walks of life alongside your sad little vignette, if only to prevent others from treading your unlikely, perverse path.”
At press time, Dr. Burke presented the findings of the study, reminding everyone that it’s okay to be single in different ways, but it’s not okay to create a fan Instagram account for Big Time Rush when you’re in your late 20s and the band broke up in 2013.