REPORT: This Puppy Knows Exaaaaaaactly What It’s Doing

A recent report out of the University of Chicago has concluded that the Rottweiler puppy in this Instagram video knows exaaaaaaactly what the heck she’s doing and is, according to the data, playing you like you don’t know.


It has previously been assumed that this puppy, and other puppies as well, are unaware of the charm and pull they have over people, however we have now confirmed that this is very far from the truth that they’re just playing the fucking game and know exactly what they’re doing.


“We’ve been working for years to understand the intricacies of the canine psychology,” says Theresa Gonzales, one of the team researchers. “We can finally say with absolute certainty this dog is fuckin’ smart and knows precisely what angle to tilt her heads to just absolutely ruin you.”


“We’ve been underestimating her and dogs in general, and they know that,” she added.


The study transcended this one pooch by examining various breeds of puppies, from Chihuahua to Great Dane, to determine just how sneaky the young dogs are.


“Everyone has always assumed ‘puppy dog eyes’ are unintentional,” says Nolan Chris, a researcher on the team. “However, after studying these creatures when they thought they were alone, we found that the minute you aren’t around they don’t give a single fuck about it. They are 100% playing you.”


“And then when a human enters the room, they wag their tails and make their eyes big and cute. Scientifically speaking, it’s very disturbing,” he adds.



Dog owners have had a difficult time accepting this study’s results.


“This is absolutely ridiculous,” says Dale Hart, who owns a Schnauzer mix. “My dog Nico is sweet and loving, and I know he looks at me that way because he loves me!”


After studying Dale’s dog, researchers were able to present the owner with evidence that Nico spends most of his time in front of the mirror practicing faces and whimpers that will earn him treats upon Dale’s return from work.


“Oh now she’s rolling over and wagging her tail,” says Gonzales, upon watching the video of the Instagram rottweiler for the fifth time. “This little bitch is a maaaassster manipulator and knows exaaaaactly how to make a sucker out of your dumb ass.”


Sources confirm cats have been saying this all along.