In a story entirely devoid of self-awareness, 25-year-old Naomi Allen announced that she does not have attachment issues, while simultaneously admitting to feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt about throwing away her two-month-old loofah.
“There are just a lot of memories attached to that loofah,” Allen explained. “A lot of showers, a lot of lathering…I just don’t want to just toss it in the garbage and have that all be forgotten.”
“It’s not like I even had that loofah for that long,” she continued. “I’m not gross. It’s just powerful that something can come into your life for a relatively short period of time, and still manage to make such a big impact.”
Sources close to Allen claim that it’s not only loofahs she gets overly attached to, explaining that this proclivity to develop deep emotional attachments to inanimate objects seeps into almost every facet of her life.
“I helped Naomi move out of her apartment last year,” said Bryce Figuera, a close friend of Allen’s. “When we were done moving everything, she asked if I could wait outside so she could have a moment to say goodbye to her room, alone. The way she closed the door when she finally came out could only be described as a lover’s caress.”
Allen’s parents allege they have no idea where their daughter’s blatant attachment issues stem from.
“She was always an emotional kid,” Allen’s father Walt Allen told reporters. “She would always cry about being left alone to fend for herself every day after school from kindergarten through 12th grade. So sensitive.”
Reporters asked Allen if she thought she may have developed an anxious attachment style and a fear of abandonment in childhood – something she vehemently denied.
“I had a great childhood, and have a very secure attachment style,” Allen insisted. “Sure, maybe I get a little teary-eyed at the prospect of parting with an old toothbrush, and, yeah, maybe I feel a gut-wrenching sense of guilt whenever I return a library book – but those are just normal human emotions that everyone experiences. Right?”
At press time, Allen was spotted openly weeping while throwing an old, used up pen in the trash can, and promising that she would never forget their time together.