Now That I’m About to Retire, It’s Time to File that Sexual Harassment Lawsuit!

I’m proud to announce that after a lengthy and successful career in a highly competitive field, I’m preparing to retire. It’s an exciting time for me! I’ll finally have the freedom to travel, spend more time with my husband, and file some long overdue sexual harassment lawsuits detailing egregious abuses by powerful men without fear of professional repercussions. Now hand me that margarita!


The transition into retirement is going to be strange for me. How will I fare without having the rigid and demanding routine to which I’ve become so accustomed? Will I be able to make time for myself? How will I ever remember the names of every man who touched me on my lower back while mistaking me for an assistant? For years, I’ve kept my head down and my hems below the knee, working twice as hard as my colleagues to still be asked to attend “meetings” that usually end up with my older male colleague asking me about “any boyfriends in my life”. For 40 years, I’ve glanced at the HR department longingly, but I never once entered their lair. Did I work this hard only to ruin my career by admitting I was sexually harassed repeatedly over the course of years?


One time I was put on probation because a client made a joke about my body and I didn’t laugh hard enough. Hoo boy, this margarita is strong but I’m gonna need another!



Now that I’m finally within reach of my golden parachute, I finally feel ready to report that sexual touching incident that happened my first week in the office. Back then, it would have been career suicide, but now I’m not so concerned because in five days, I won’t have a career to end. I consider this an overall success! Gimme another marg; I’m retired almost!!!


My professional cohorts ask me if I have dreams for my retirement. I say, “Sure I do!” At night, I dream of a simple justice where people are held accountable for their actions instead of their victims. Literally hundreds of men—colleagues, superiors, and clients who have touched me, whispered vulgarities, humiliated me, and threatened my careers, they all get fired and replaced by decent human beings. Imma gonna drink another margarita right now!


So tomorrow I’m gonna march right in there and spend the whole day filling out paperwork as my glorious final act as a successful woman in the workplace who vowed to never put her career on the line. You can’t ruin my career now, cause I don’t have one!