This Maxi Dress? Oh, I’m Just Smuggling Exotic Pets Under It

White Woman Speaks:

The temperature’s rising, and so are the hemlines! But for many women (myself included) baring one’s knees is simply too much to bear. My choice to wear a maxi dress is a simple one: I believe in dressing modestly to respect myself and those around me. Also, I need the added length for my freelance business of gathering and transporting rare and endangered wildlife.


Is that so crazy, America?


Sure, the maxi dress isn’t for everyone. The long length can overwhelm a smaller figure, and jersey material does have the tendency to cling. But for those of us who believe in modesty and who have a job to do—which, in my case, is smuggling exotic pets in and out of the country on my person—the maxi offers the perfect solution.


If you’re pear-shaped, apple-shaped, or sugar-glider-strapped-to-your-stomach-shaped, this dress will make you look great.



A maxi is perfect for all sorts of occasions. For dressier events, like meeting with a drug lord to sell him a kinkajou or an arctic fox, I pair it with wedges that elongate my legs and create a kind of sheath for the animals. For more casual outings, like selling bushmeat to a vendor on the culinary black market, I opt for strappy sandals. This versatility is one of the best aspects of the maxi dress, along with its ability to conceal a small water tank full of African cichlids.


Talk about a wardrobe staple!


Sure, the maxi dress has been pigeonholed by many a fashion blogger as an item of clothing for the Starbucks-sipping “basic bitch,” but for me, it’s more about convenience and comfort than a style statement—though I will admit, I look very stylish in mine! Also, I can afford nice ones because of how loaded I am from all the illegal pet smuggling.


So judge on as you see me in my long, patterned dress, and know that while you’re sipping your shade-grown coffee, I’m covertly buying and selling endangered animals.


Anna Wintour may think maxi dresses are tacky, but she sure didn’t mind it when I sold her a white tiger!