In a beautiful ode to procrastination’s underrated merits, Genevieve Parit died in her sleep this morning after resolving to clean her bathtub tomorrow.
Genevieve’s untimely death, the result of a tree falling through her window, comes as a shocking tragedy to her friends and family, but a beacon of light to her fellow procrastinators.
“The last time I saw Gen, she was talking about how she really needs to clean her bathtub,” says a coworker, Tomlin James. “She had let it get pretty bad, so I knew it was going to be a heavy lift. I’m talking gloves, bleach, sponges, paper towels: really back breaking and gross labor.”
“I’m shocked and devastated that she’s gone,” Tomlin says. “But I’m also hugely relieved that she didn’t spend her final night on this Earth scrubbing her moldy, pube-laden bathtub. It’s such an important reminder that you should never do anything unpleasant, or at least put it off as much as possible.”
“To think that I was almost going to start my already incredibly late taxes the other day,” they add. “It sends shivers down my spine. Now I know I’ll never do my taxes; it’s what Genevieve would have wanted.”
Sources close to the late slacker confirm the activities of her final night were well aligned with her true values.
“Last night was like so many others,” reports Genevieve’s best friend, Maddie Shebek. “Genevieve FaceTimed me around 10 p.m. high off her ass to talk about White Lotus. After we swapped theories for a while, she took me to the bathroom with her where she peed and commented on how she really needed to clean her tub tomorrow.”
“When we said goodbye, she was off to smoke more weed and watch more television before going to bed with dishes in the sink and hair in the drain one final time. She truly hated chores, and I’m just glad she’ll never have to do one again.”
Genevieve’s roommate is reported to see no silver lining in any aspect of the story.
