In a familiar story out of Lancaster, PA, your mom has again insisted that you’ll change your mind after you told her you had no interest in giving birth and likely ripping your asshole open in the process.
“Giving birth to a child is a miracle,” your mom said. “And if you rip open your anus while doing so? Well, then that’s a miracle, too.”
In a statement given to reporters, you explained that you’ve had this conversation with your mother dozens of times over the years.
“I’ve never wanted kids, or a torn sphincter, and she knows that!” you said. “I’m in my mid-twenties now, and I don’t see myself ever changing my mind. But she keeps trying.”
Well-worn arguments from your mom include, “Who’s going to take care of your permanently maimed butthole when you’re old?” and “Don’t you want a family you can never really sit comfortably around?”
Though you’ve told her time and time again that those things just aren’t important to you, your mom remains insistent that one day you’ll see the error of your ways.
“Ripping your asshole wide open in a room full of doctors, nurses, and loved ones is one of life’s most precious blessings,” your mom said. “It’s only a matter of time before she sees that.”
In spite of your mom’s constant prodding, you told reporters you remain steadfast in your decision to keep your asshole wholly unmutilated.
“When I was six years old, I fell off my bike and landed weird on the crossbar,” you said. “Ever since then, I vowed to never put my nether regions in harm’s way again. It actually wasn’t until years later that I discovered I also didn’t want to have kids.”
Your mom expressed disappointment in your mindset but said she remained confident that, with age, you’d understand that ripping straight through your sphincter, creating what is essentially a joint vagina-rectum, is something you truly need to experience in your lifetime.
At press time, your mom added that ripping your asshole really isn’t that big of a deal – it’s tearing your clit that will really challenge your worldview.