In a desperate bid for attention emerging from a coffee shop in Brooklyn, NY, 32-year-old Mike Walthrop is currently drinking an iced coffee despite the 25-degree weather with the hopes that someone will notice and – fingers crossed – respect him.
“I’m just the type of guy who drinks iced coffee in the winter,” Mike told the barista unprompted while she was clearly having a conversation with someone else. “I’m an ‘iced coffee all year’ dude. Some people say it’s crazy, but it’s just what I like.”
Witnesses confirm Mike was already visibly shaking from the cold temperatures, considering he was only wearing a light bomber jacket, ripped jeans, and no hat, so it was entirely unclear why he felt the need to order his drink iced, then emphasize that three times.
Fellow patrons heard him ask for his drink “extra cold,” which doesn’t really mean anything.
“Drinking cold coffee in the winter just wakes me up, you know?” he continued, adding heaps of simple syrup and milk to his drink. “None of that pussy ‘hot latte’ shit for me. No, I’m a real man.”
Reporters maintain no one had asked Mike a single question up until this point. He had simply started talking and refused to be stopped. He had also not taken a single sip of his drink, and was grabbing four napkins to serve as a barrier as he held it.
Mike yawned big with the iced coffee in his hand, clearly an attempt to show everyone in the room that he was imbibing in a cold beverage.
“This is just the mentality I apply to everything in my life, you know?” Mike said, as if anyone cared what his mentality was. “I am master over my own body. Not the other way around.”
By now, everyone else in the coffee shop had pointedly turned their chairs away from him with the hopes he would get the hint and stop speaking, but no such luck.
“Ever since I was a child, the elements haven’t affected me the way they affect others,” he continued, practically screaming. “Superior genetics, I suppose. Feel free to ask me my secrets – I’ll tell you!”
After a long bout of silence, Mike took one sip of his drink, discreetly threw it in the trash can, walked back up to the register, and ordered a hot chocolate.
