Last Two Townies Finally Settle For Each Other

Couple - Reductress

In an act of romantic desperation, the last male and female graduates of J.P. Stevens High School Class of 2003 who remained in Edison but had not yet settled down with anyone else have finally tied the knot. Meg Donoghue, a shift manager at Pier 1, and Mikey Bell, a part-time culinary student at Edison County College, were married Friday in an informal ceremony at Adventure Aquarium in Camden, NJ.


“It was fuckin’ beautiful,” said an inebriated Küner Gorge, the bride’s ex-step-cousin. “I got half a chub, to be honest.”


The bride and groom met in first grade when they were assigned cubbies next to one another. “He always traded me his Dunkaroos for my Go-Gurt, even though Go-Gurt is nasty,” says Donoghue. They were hi-bye friends until fifth grade, when Donoghue got boobs and made friends with Sarah Blickensdorfer. “She was pretty much a bitch for like five years after,” says Bell, who once lit a squirrel on fire.


They reconnected in high school as members of the ska band, Force Quit. “We had Meg join because our tenor sax player missed two shows,” says friend and former bass player Dag Levine. “She didn’t play an instrument but she had a sweet basement and her parents were chill about weed.”



The couple got to know each other better that year, playing various Sweet 16’s and battles of the band. The moment of truth came when Donoghue touched Bell’s boner through his jeans for the first time after Katie Hartman’s epic block party of 2002. Bell returned the favor by giving her a hickey on her face.


“We’ve been dating, breaking up, hooking up, cheating on each other, cheating with each other, and getting back together ever since,” says Donoghue, who once bullied a girl for being deaf.


The couple’s marriage was almost thwarted by an incident that occurred in 2003, when Donoghue was accepted to Hofstra University in Nassau County, New York. “It looked like we were gonna break up for real,” says Bell, “but after a few weeks she told me, ‘school’s gay,’ and came back home.”


Bell proposed via text message.


The bride wore a white corset with bondage capris, both from Hot Topic. “I wanted to do one of those little top hat thingies,” says Donoghue, “but Mikey said it was too dykey.” The groom wore a black long-sleeve graphic tee screen-printed to look like a tuxedo, with a Tool zip-up hoodie and JNCO jeans.


A reception followed at the nicer Applebee’s. Quesadilla burgers and boneless wings were served until the groom’s mom’s gift card ran out. The cake was from Pathmark, which the groom playfully punched into the bride’s face. “What?” he said. “That’s a thing!”


When asked about honeymoon plans, the couple reports that they plan to see as many movies at the AMC as they can before they get “epic headaches,” since Donoghue’s ex-boyfriend/current friend Dale works there. They plan to live in Donoghue’s mom’s spare room until she gets sick of cleaning up after the bulldog the two plan to adopt.