Think you might have found your soulmate? It’s possible, but it’s also possible you took hard drugs and then forgot about it. Take this quiz to find out if he’s The One, or if you just took some really good molly.
1. Do you feel butterflies when you look into his eyes?
A. Yes! I get all tingly every time I see him.
B. Yes! Also every other person in this room right now! I feel like I’m on a first date with fifty of my infinite number of soulmates. Is polygamy legal yet? Because I seriously don’t know how I could ever choose just one of these beautiful, magical people to spend the rest of my life with.
2. Do you want to hear about his day when he comes home from work?
A. Yep, I want to know every detail! Even the most mundane conversations are fun when they’re with him.
B. Yes, definitely, also have you met this guy Jason? He’s my roommate’s cousin’s boyfriend and he just showed up to this party and he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I think we might go on a road trip together to Yellowstone next summer oh my god he’s just incredible also you should meet my roommate’s cousin too because she’s SO BEAUTIFUL and they’re such a beautiful couple also what are your hopes and dreams for the future?
3. When you argue, are you usually able to figure out a constructive solution?
A. We fight sometimes, but we never go to bed angry and he always respects my thoughts and feelings.
B. I can’t believe I’ve ever had an argument with anyone. What could there possibly be to argue about? Everyone on Earth radiates love and light. I feel like I just woke up on Christmas morning with all my best friends at Disneyworld.
4. When you’re in his arms, do you feel safe?
A. His embrace is like being wrapped in a blanket of love and protection.
B. Yep, all the bad in the world dissolves when he hugs me. HUGS. HOLY SHIT HUGS. I WANT TO HUG EVERYONNNNNNE. WHERE’S THE NEXT HUG AT? Guys, seriously, WHO’S UP FOR A GROUP HUG??
5. Does being with him make the world seem like a better place?
A. Colors seem brighter, music more harmonious, and food more flavorful. It’s like his love makes everything and everyone seem like the best possible versions of themselves.
B. Yeah, everything just feels incredible when I’m with him. Like this grass right now. Have you even FELT THIS GRASS? It feels like a thousand tiny baby angel hands caressing my skin. Want to roll down this hill with me? Weeeeeee.
6. Does he make you feel like anything is possible?
A. He really does. It’s empowering and exhilarating. I know that with him by my side, there’s nothing I can’t do.
B. If everyone in the world could just feel this warmth and joy that I’m feeling right now, there would be no more wars, no more poverty, and no more hatred. Seriously, we could change the world. Don’t you think we could change the world? I’m going to change the world.
Mostly A’s: He’s the One. You two are perfect for each other! He knows you better than anyone, and there’s no one in the world that can make you feel the way he does. Hold on to this guy—you’re in for a long and joyful life together.
Mostly B’s: You’re just high af, girl. Though he seems like the person you’ve been searching for your whole life, so does everyone else in the room, including that one member of your friend group no one can stand. When you find yourself about to ask him to dinner with your family tomorrow night, try rubbing your face into the shag carpet instead. It will produce the same effect. I know it seems like your heart is open in a way it never has been before and you want to profess your undying love and commitment to this guy, but—hey! Feel the sleeve of my sweater right now. I KNOW RIGHT?? This fabric feels like it’s woven out of the pubes of God. Stay hydrated and enjoy yourself.