If White People Don’t Have Culture, Then Why Have I Been Trapped in the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride For the Last Four Years?

You may have heard the claim before that white people “don’t have culture”. Now, I don’t understand any part of this accusation, but what I really don’t understand is if white people have no culture, then why have I been trapped in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at the Walt Disney World® Resort for the last four years? Why that then?


When I first boarded my boat at the Orlando, FL theme park’s famed attraction, I suspected my journey would last eight minutes and thirty seconds (the ride’s length). I had no idea that I would fall out of my vessel less than one minute into the journey when it was revealed that the upcoming ship, which appeared normal from a distance, was actually being captained by a skeleton: a sight that damn near scared the bejeezus out of me. Anyway, I sprang up like Scooby fucking Doo and went flying out of that slippery little boat straight into the dark waters of the bayou.


Of course, I was too proud to ask for help, and none was offered to me. I crawled my way to the rocky shores, but four years later and counting, I’m still stuck down here, just trying to make the best life for myself that I possibly can. Now try looking me in the eyes and telling me white people don’t have culture.


During the innocent days of before I went slipping, sliding, and thrashing out of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, maybe I would have listened if you told me white people’s contribution to American culture has been just stealing from people of color. However, I’ve learned a thing or two during my 1,460+ days stuck in this imagineered prison. For instance, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride is primarily an ode to white-on-white violence. Is that not culture?


How come when I entered this ride, I was in my late 30s, and now my 30s are done. They’re over. What has this all been for? Why do the passengers think that I’m part of the ride and laugh at my pleas for help? Is it because my clothes are torn, I’ve naturally picked up the accent of the animatronic pirates due to immersion, and I have scurvy from subsisting on hot dog scraps naughty children throw into the bayou? Am I scurvy dog culture white person? Living in the dark, dark ride no sun on my skin for four years, or what?


Also, white people have history! Like on day 32 of the ride when Johnny Depp came and replaced the Captain Jack Sparrow animatronics to promote Dead Men Tell No Tales, that was a part of white history! I’ve never seen any of the movies, so I didn’t really give a shit, but it’s still history. Anyway, when I asked Mr. Depp if he would help me escape from the wet ride he said “No” and when I asked him if Captain Jack Sparrow constituted brown face he said, “I have 600 million dollars.” He’s actually an alright guy.



So if you’re going to get online and text about “White people don’t have culture” then how come I’m still stuck in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and Bill Nighy’s voice is my God now? Try thinking about that. Then seriously send some EMTs or at least a portable DVD player so I can watch the films and finally get some of these references. Like what is rum? Okay, big scurvy episode coming on – closing my eyes now. White people culture Pirate ride. Get me out no don’t Bill Nighy voice will punish me. I don’t care. Thank you.