Why I’m Protesting on Behalf of the People Already in Charge

white man

A so-called “journalist” came over to ask why I’m here with a Trump flag to protest in favor of our dear President Trump, leader of the free world. And the answer is simple: The biggest threat to our nation is that group that is currently not in power. Why? Just trust me on this one.


I’ve always had an independent streak in me, and I’m not afraid to fight for my beliefs. And of course, I value my right to free speech and peaceful protest to petition the government of my grievances. And that’s exactly why I’m saying, hey, Trump administration: Good job! Keep up the great work! Can I get anybody some snacks?


And we all know how the slippery slope goes: Once you elect a centrist democrat with the politics of a Republican from the 90s, the world immediately descends into socialist anarchy run by Antifa. And if I just let them protest without telling them how I feel, who knows how many people would not die today? And what would happen if I didn’t yell “All Lives Matter” in a way that sounds like an ambiguous physical threat?


Anarchy. Obviously.



When I think about the many peaceful protesters who came before me (Martin Luther King Jr., Ben Shapiro), I take on this duty with humility, knowing that I am fighting powerful forces who are trying to keep the people down. And by “powerful forces” I mean “a secret cabal of Democratic pedophiles” and by “the people” I mean Donald Trump, who reminds me of my daddy – an angry man I am supposed to love.


Some might say the left has become more vocal lately because their interests aren’t fairly represented in the body politic. And it’s like, Jesus, will you stop fucking complaining? Why don’t you go get a job? I’m sick of these lazy, whining kids who are also somehow also a legitimate threat to my worldview.


In the end, I believe in the Constitution and bountiful, unexamined free speech. And no matter what happens, I will continue to protest until those people not in power are removed from their powerful position inside my head. God bless America and Stop the Count!