Last Christmas during the pandemic, my best friend gifted me an Apple Watch. And while I’ve been mostly sitting around the house since then, my quality of life has significantly improved thanks to all that great data it has to offer. Gone were the days that I had to pull out my bulky phone to check the weather, make a phone call, or check how many steps I took going to pick up a pharmacy prescription.
Things were going well until, one day, my watch vibrated and asked me if I was exercising when I was, in fact, wiping my own ass.
Was this the hardest thing I did all day? It wasn’t even a particularly strenuous BM.
After receiving the notification, I checked my heart rate and it was 220 bpm. According to Google, the typical heart rate of an athlete during exercise is 200 bpm. Now I’m worried that I’ve developed a heart condition during quarantine. Should I be worried about my lungs? Should I be worried about my colon?
I just wanted to spend the afternoon cold brew shitting and unwinding with my pets. Now, I’m scrolling through WebMD trying to figure out why my smart watch thinks I’m running a marathon while I’m just straight-up deucing.
Where did it all go wrong? I was a star athlete in high school. Well, I did JV soccer one year because my crush played, but still.
The whole ordeal was harrowing, but I’ve learned a lot. Maybe I should start exercising regularly again, or maybe I’ll just turn off my notifications settings when I’m dropping a log.