Since college, my best friend Hannah has been my rock, my confidant, my partner in observing and enduring the absurdities of life. We did everything together. Then one day my reality came crumbling down when I found out that Hannah started working out a couple of weeks ago.
While some might say, “That’s great for her!” I’m here to tell you that you have no idea what you are talking about. Initially, I was shocked that she would make a life choice like joining a gym without consulting me. But then my fears led me to ask more questions: What else was she hiding? A secret past? A long-distance boyfriend? Food allergies?
Upon further reflection, I realized there was nothing I could do to change the past, and what mattered most was thinking about how Hannah’s fitness journey would affect me going forward.
Even after Hannah’s initial betrayal, this treacherous jezebel had the audacity to ask me if I want to go with her to work out as her “gym guest.” I said, “Excuse me, what the fuck is a ‘gym guest’?” and she was like, “It’s a guest you can take to the gym with your membership” and I was like “Okay, that makes sense, but no I do not want to go.” I have no interest in your dumbbells or your desire to live a healthy life, thank you very much.
If she were my real friend she would know I did not want to go to the gym because I have told her multiple times about my plan to take full advantage of my resilient youth, then start working out in my 40s like my fitness hero Paul Rudd.
Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse: Hannah started going to bed early so she could wake up and go to the gym before work. This severely cut into our Drag Race time and thus her ability to be there for me as a friend. I knew things were spiraling out of control when I sent Hannah a picture of a magician from Tinder at 1:43 am and she didn’t respond ‘omg’ until the next morning.
Do you believe in God? I did, but then my best friend got a gym buddy who was not me. ‘How could she,’ I thought, even though I explicitly said I have no interest in ‘that gym life’. Yes, it’s true. Hannah became fast friends with some pilates she-devil named Saskia and now says the three of us should all hang out because she’s “really funny” and we “have similar interests.” Fascinating, because my only interest now is hating your healthy choices.
After much consideration, I have agreed to go to the gym ONCE with Hannah. But I am going to be a bitch about it the whole time.