You never think this kind of thing is gonna happen to you, but then it happens: I recently noticed that one of my friends unfollowed me on all social media platforms – even LinkedIn. It was a shocking betrayal. After wondering, why did this happen? Only one solution came to mind.
I had to kill her.
I know my social media presence can be jarring. I rant militantly about every issue I feel passionately about. That is my right as an American and also I am entitled to my friends taking in every bit of what I put out there. That’s what friends are for. So an unceremonious unfollow? That gets a hard murder from me.
She could’ve come around and seen the value of my all-caps twitter rants. She could’ve at least had the decency to mute me. But instead she just quietly hit unfollow without a word of explanation!
Sorry, that’s not a friend. To me? That’s a dead woman.
I thought about giving her time to explain herself. But that’s way more consideration than me. So last week I packed up a murder bag of tools and duct tape and waited outside her house until she took out the trash.
I tried to come up with something cool to say in the moment like “unfollow this,” but honestly, she’s not even worth the effort. I’m bigger than that.
So to the rest of my friends I say, if you don’t like what I have to say online, do me the decency of telling me to my face before I murder you. Because I will definitely murder you.
To the rest of you, please follow me online @chillchick43! I love connecting with people online!