I’ve been trying to take a more active role in my friendships, so when I met a cool woman named Diana at a house party last week, I took the initiative to ask if she’d like to get brunch sometime. Much to my excitement, she said yes! I looked online for a restaurant that served brunch, but when we arrived, I realized I’d made a grave mistake: I’d brought my new friend to a place that was, like, pretty intimate actually.
Oops! Hope she doesn’t read into these vibes!
The restaurant was upholstered from top to bottom in dark velvet and only had candlelit booths, which was certainly a weird aura for just a friend hang. Plus, there were a bunch of photo booths set up to capture first kisses and all the staff had cupid wings on their uniforms, which didn’t exactly help curate a platonic vibe.
I gave my name at the hostess stand, and she asked if I’d like to embark on their “Lover’s Lunar Quest” – the set menu theme for the day. I declined really audibly, which I hoped would diffuse the tension, but Diana was too busy reading the sign out front that said, “Nothing like brunch for two to kick off a lifetime of love, which is also for two.”
Oh no! Someone make this painfully platonic, stat!
I made a big show of saying I’d never been here before and that a friend had recommended it, and Diana very sweetly agreed it seemed nice. We decided to sit outside where it wasn’t romantic in a creepy way and take a look at the à la carte menu, which was entirely lobster meals for two.
Right as I was asking her about her favorite hobbies and whether she had siblings – typical questions but somehow very date-y in this context – the waiter came by to take our order. He brought out two champagne glasses unprompted, which sucked because it made it seem like I had ordered us champagne, and said they were “on the house,” which sucked because now it seemed like I was intending to propose.
At this point, I was at my wits end. I blurted out, “This isn’t a date,” which just made it seem like I hated Diana. She laughed, though, and agreed that the place was visibly romantic in a scary way. We decided to leave and set up shop for our brunch in a new, platonic restaurant across the street: a French bistro called Les Amoureux.