How to Write a Cover Letter Without Sounding Like a Pathetic Sniveling Little Suck-up

If you’re one of the many people currently searching the job market, you’ve likely already come across dozens of articles peddling near-identical advice for how to write the best cover letter. These articles all have one thing in common: They want you to snivel like a pathetic, desperate pauper at the heels of the great king of capitalism. Here are some tips on how to write a cover letter that preserves your dignity and allows you to stand out as a confident, talented individual who knows their worth.


Start strong with your greeting.

DON’T research the hiring manager’s name. Other applicants will address the hiring manager directly, but you’ll stand out by giving your opening line a fun, self-assured twist. Try something spunky like “Hi lucky reader” or “Read ahead for something awesome:” or “Listen, motherfucker.”


Don’t research the company you’re applying to.

If you’re too specific, they’ll think you have too much time on your hands. You want to give the impression that you’re applying to hundreds of thousands of jobs per day because each position would be lucky to have you and you want to pick from the pile. The more general, the better. Here’s an example of a great cover letter paragraph: “This company intrigues me. I would like to work at the company, doing work things.”


Go for length.

Most cover-letter advice will tell you to stick to one page, but those people want you to fail so all the jobs will be left for them. A good cover letter will run anywhere from 5-20 pages, depending on how far in your memoirs you got during quarantine.


Sell yourself!

The first 4-19 pages of your cover letter should focus exclusively on your own accomplishments and desires. Use “I” statements and only “I” statements. Describe your physical features in excessive, complimentary detail. Hiring managers shouldn’t care about what you look like, but they will appreciate your body positivity and assertiveness.


Hint that your dad is someone very important.




Finish strong.

Remember that in some cases less is more. Your concluding sentence should include no more than three words. “Whatever” is a classic, but you can also experiment with cutting off a larger sentence halfway such as, “Thanks for your”. It’ll create an air of mystery and leave them wanting more. Do NOT sign your name.


If you follow these simple steps, you’ll have your dream job in no time. Good luck, and more importantly, have fun!