How to Argue for Permanent Work-from-Home Without Mentioning Masturbation

Millions of Americans are getting vaccinated, and the end of the pandemic is potentially in sight. As the “new normal” rapidly approaches, the office of your startup digital strategy agency is about to start weighing its post-COVID options. Will you return to the office full-time? Will executive leadership implement a hybrid model? Or will you get what you want: a permanent work-from-home situation that allows you to keep cranking it to your heart’s content? Here are some tips about how to negotiate for permanent work-from-home rights without mentioning ‘masturbation’ somewhere in there:


Improved Work-Life Balance

It’s no secret that working from home allows for a dramatically improved work-life balance. Suddenly, it’s so much easier to schedule necessary appointments during the day. You just don’t need to bring up that the most necessary appointment of all is Jeffin’ your Toob. Just put it on your calendar as “mental health break” or “medical stuff.” Both are technically true!


No Commute

We can all agree: not having to travel for hours upon hours a week just to get to an office is a huge boon. But also because it opens up the hours of 8-9 and 5-6 for…self-care, and…extracurricular activities. Look, just between us: You technically can yoink your boink on the subway, but it’s frowned upon.


Geographic Flexibility

The pandemic has made countless workers realize they can do their job from anywhere. And there’s something really powerful about a change in scenery and the freedom that comes from being able to travel as you please. In fact, that feeling is so powerful, it’s kind of a turn-on? Like, is the tallest building in a city you’ve never visited before…flirting with you? It’s okay if you need to step out for a minute. What were we talking about? Oh right. Yeah, working from anywhere is inclusive or whatever.


Financial Savings

By eliminating their commute, many employees have managed to save thousands of dollars a year on public transit fees and vehicle costs. That surplus of revenue can then be used to “stimulate the economy” — if you catch our drift. But genuinely, there are so many companies that would benefit from a cash influx from remote workers — like OnlyFans, PornHub, and honestly, sometimes Depop if we’re being totally vulnerable and open here.



Increased Productivity

At the end of the day, this is really the most crucial point to emphasize to upper management. The fact is, when you get to work under the comfortable conditions that are right for you, you can get more done — and you can get it done better. Enough said. Do not mention that you’re more productive because you can clear your head by popping a quickie right around 2:30 PM.


So there you go! There’s plenty of valid reasons why permanently working from home could be the right move for your company. Any one of them should be good enough to cover up the actual reason. Remember: the first step toward taking care of yourself is taking care of yourself.