It’s flu season, and those of us lucky enough to win this year’s flu lottery will get to spend some quality time at home, binge-watching some really great CBS procedural dramas. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t get some ‘me’ time, too. If you do your makeup just right, you can ensure your employer won’t want you anywhere near the office.
You want a foundation that will make you look two shades paler than you actually are. Don’t be conservative: the paler the better. We like British Royalty White by L’Oreal. It gives you all the paleness without any of the healthy glow. Feel free to cake on layer upon layer of foundation, too. The more “skin flakes” that fall into your boss’s coffee, the better.
The key word here is “moist.” Milky, moist eyes scream, “I am rabidly contagious.” We suggest Lindsay’s Long Night from Redken. Choose eye shadow that draws out your eye bags, and emphasizes your crow’s feet. Brush your eyelashes in different directions if you feel like adding in some crazed as well. Crazed, sickly, moist eyes will get you sent home in no time.
Get that gaunt, sallow look with some gray brush strokes—not the chic gray, mind you. Think less “matte steel” and more “soiled sheep.” We’re big fans of Old Actress by Sephora. And don’t brush along your cheekbones – you want to apply blush right into the hollows of your cheeks to get that sunken look. Not only do you want to look like you haven’t eaten, you want to look like it’s impossible for you to keep food down.
Full, vibrant lips are a no-no if you want to get sent home in time to catch General Hospital. Go as thin as possible, and look for waning, lifeless colors. You’ll want the kind of flaking that actually repels people from even looking at your face. Try Arid Lipdryer from M*A*C. Cracked, painful looking lips are the way to go.
Try to stay within the confines of common viruses and infections, but feel free to be creative! Play around with color combinations and even abrasive household cleansers to nab yourself a sweet, sweet sick day. Just remember, you’re aiming for moist, gaunt, pale, and sallow. You want your boss to think germs are literally leaping off of your face and onto their suit for something this dire. You got this!