Your new boyfriend seemed perfect when you met him in that dimly lit Indie-club in Williamsburg. He was tall, dark, handsome, drinking neat Scotch and staring out the window, buried in what you could only assume were poetic thoughts about how he couldn’t risk staying in one town too long for fear of getting too close to anyone. You knew right away that you were the only one who could break through his armor, and save him from his vague, sexy, troubled past.
But now, you’ve been dating a couple weeks, and it turns out he’s not just normal, he’s SUPER well-adjusted. Not even a word about how he can “never get close to you”—just a lot of bullshit about why he thinks Citibikes are great. You wanted a Bruce Wayne, but you got one of those dudes from New Girl. You’re losing interest fast and something needs to be done about this guy who is not as busted as you thought. Here are some things to try:
Slowly fill his wardrobe with leather jackets.
You are what you wear—and right now he has all the personality of his hand-wash-only sweater vests. It’s time for a makeover. Start buying him lots of leather outerwear that makes him look like he just rode into town on a Harley with the smell of stale beer and heartbreak still on it. Every time he peels off that jacket, you can pretend you’re peeling away another layer of emotional invulnerability even though he already cried in front of you about his dead dog from childhood.
Make him silent n’ sexy with Strep.
First, get strep. Then, give him strep. His voice will be gone quicker than you can say, “I can only get off with emotionally stunted men.” He’ll spend long hours not being able to speak a word to you, just like he would if he were consumed with inconsolable rage that only you could heal, instead of cheerfully complimenting your outfit.
Mention his father. A lot.
All men have daddy issues, right? You just have to delve deep enough to find them. Try casually slipping phrases like “You’re not your father” into everyday conversation. If that doesn’t work, when his dad calls, answer the phone with, “I think you’ve done enough damage, Martin.” If your man doesn’t have resentments towards his father, he is not even human and doesn’t deserve your sympathy.
Get him hooked on Scotch. Like, really hooked.
He likes Scotch, but he keeps capping it at one drink, only socially, on weekends. WTF? It’s painfully obvious that he’s not even TRYING to block out haunting memories. But you can fix that…Just keep feeding him more Scotch. Put it in his cereal, his latte, his kale smoothies that reek of healthful living. It won’t be long before he spirals down the dark hole of addiction. And who’ll be standing by to save his sexy, sexy, battered soul? You.
Emotionally Wreck Him. Then Apologize. Then Do It Again.
This is the nuclear option. First, tell him you love him. Then, fake your own death. Then return from the grave for one night of passion. Then do it all again. He’ll be so fucked up, even you might not be able to fix him…fingers crossed!
Don’t get discouraged if he initially resists your attempts to make him realize how fragile and psychologically scarred he truly is. That’s just him trying to repress his inner pain, hopefully. Keep trying and you WILL break through to him. Or break him. Either works just fine.