How To Pretend the Sex Dungeon You’re Trapped In Is the Disney Vault

No one wants to end up trapped in a sex dungeon, but the reality for many women is that, at some point in their lives, they’ll end up imprisoned by a maniacal cult leader hell bent on curing the world’s evils through his own sexual deviance. That’s life! But it’s a life for which your childhood watching Disney movies has left you surprisingly prepared. So try to pretend the sex dungeon is the Disney Vault, the most magical confined space on Earth! You’ve been snatched off the street and thrown into the clink like the VHS version of The Aristocats! Focus on the wonder all around you and use these tips to pretend the sex dungeon you’re trapped in is actually the Disney vault.


Remember That This Is A Tale As Old As Time, Sadly

Disney Vault thinking helps you contextualize what’s happening all around you. That disgusting attacker – ugh, The Gatekeeper, as he insists on being called – could be the Beast from Beauty & The Beast. Actually, that’s a very similar situation. Huh, wow. What a weird message to be sending to young girls. Anyway, I guess this sex dungeon doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Like, you’re in a bad situation, and unlike Belle, you have the knowledge that this isn’t romantic. But you know – why not pretend you’re in the Disney vault and this is romantic. Buying into the patriarchal structures that are presented to us at an early age, through cartoons, can sometimes be a good thing.


Just Say ‘Hakuna Matata’ Because This Ain’t No Passing Craze

When Simba went through a traumatic situation he just ran away from home and made friends with the loveable scamps Timon and Pumba. And you know what? As a male lion, he felt safe to do that. We didn’t see Nala running out on her own, singing “Hakuna Matata” because it’s hard for a female lion to complete the hero’s journey and still feel safe. Anyway, like your confinement, Hakuna Matata ain’t no passing craze, so acknowledge the ways in which even cartoons about animals confirm society’s attitudes toward women and freedom, and just embrace it by being a part of “our” world, as the Gatekeeper says. Whatever that means. It’s a way to pass the time!



You Gotta Friend In … YOU

Remember the end of Toy Story 3? It always seems like you’re going to burn alive in an incinerator before the fairy tell ending. Wait, what? Literally why did they show that scene to kids? Why did they show it to adults for that matter? The part where they all hold hands? Yikes, that’s even sadder than your situation. So be your own Buzz to your own Woody and … wait what was even the message? Friendship can overcome fire? IDK, just try anything to get out of there. We believe in you!!


Whether or not Disney movies are tools of the patriarchy or just have kind of confusing messages in general, pretending you’re in the Disney Vault will help you through this difficult time. As Scar, another male lion who fucked up a lot of stuff, said: Be Prepared!