So, you’re a little bit insecure. Who isn’t? But there’s no need to bring attention to the thing that’s actually bothering you, especially if it’s kind of weird. Here are some fake insecurities to mask your real ones so you can still think you’re not good enough – without the consequences of actually being vulnerable.
Real insecurity: You will end up alone.
Disguise: Hate an obscure body part.
So you’re almost 30 and all your friends are engaged or married? The last thing you need to do is bring up your real age in conversation (blech). Instead, focus on hating a body part that nobody cares about, like having bony knuckles or being too ticklish in the back of your knees. Men will find your self-loathing approachable, and you’ll never have to give your real age.
Real insecurity: You might not be able to have children.
Disguise: Negatively compare yourself to your hottest friend.
Nothing says, “I’m insecure but still lovable!” like constantly comparing yourself to your hottest friend, Becky. She’s a hair model who literally gets paid to have her hair done for free. Everybody will tell you you’re being too hard on yourself – besides, you graduated with honors, what did she do? Comparing yourself to a genetically rare beauty is a great distraction for what you’re really hiding: you’ve had exactly four periods since middle school. No one will know you might be barren – not even Becky!
Real insecurity: Sleeping around really did lower your value as a woman.
Disguise: Lament your inability to twerk.
You are constantly insecure about many things, including the seeming revolving door of relationships you’ve had in life. No need to bring any more attention to your emotional insecurity, however – just pick a Nicki Minaj music video and pine after that perfect, twerking butt. If the third guy this month didn’t call you back after sex, don’t tell the girls that you’re worried that everything your mother believed about dating was actually true. Just whine to the girls about how you wish you had a bubble butt. They’ll be so busy telling you your butt is adorable that no one will notice your budding internalized misogyny.
Real insecurity: You’re worried your vagina is unappealing.
Disguise insecurity: Talk about your boobs.
Got a flappy vagina? A smelly vagina? Both? No worries — just focus all your hate on your boobs. If you’re large breasted, complain about how they’re “too big” and how they’re always “bouncing around when you run”. If you’re flat-chested, try saying something like, “I’m so small I don’t need a bra – I’m not wearing one right now!” It really doesn’t matter what you say, because the second you start talking about your boobs, men will stare at your boobs, and there’s no such thing as bad boobs. By the time you ask him to stop giving you half-assed head after thirty seconds, he won’t even care. All he’ll be able to think about are those sweet cans!
Remember, it’s okay to be insecure, as long as you’re adorable about it. So, get out there and start faking your insecurities today!