Is your BFF giving you “haha” instead of “LOLOLOLOL”? Did she cancel on Thai food last Wednesday when you guys always get Thai food on Wednesdays? Who is this “Jen” person she’s suddenly posting selfies with at SoulCycle? Cool your jets: you know you’re her fave, but sometimes besties forget about their main bitch. Here’s how to play a little cat-and-mouse with the old BFF ball-and-chain:
Ignore her for three days. By the third night, she should be giving you a real-live honest-to-goodness phone call. You already have your first victory. Just after the girl who supposedly “LYLAS” finishes her two-minute voicemail saying she’s worried about you, text her and say, “hey what’s up?”
When she replies with nothing but question marks, say, “sorry, i’ve been really busy with Michael.” Seed: planted.
When she replies, “WHO IS MICHAEL?” say, “this guy i’m seeing. i told you about him” The lower-case letters are crucial to creating a “u are losing me” dynamic.
After she says, “Umm, no?!?!” Hold off on replying for 6-24 hours. When you do respond, say, “sry didn’t see your text! hang next week?” Her psychological state will be just like a moving box: fragile!
Try to lose 5-10 pounds in that week. When she finally meets you for coffee in the shop directly below your apartment, she’ll be shocked and blame herself for letting you slip into a toxic relationship with this Michael person. As she tries to get you to admit to an eating disorder/drug problem/crippling depression, sit back and sip your Americano. You’ve got her right where you want her: in a puddle of guilt!
Casually mention that you’ve had your period for a month, there’s weird hives on your inner thigh, and that you’ve actually never been tested for HIV. Being cavalier about your health is a perfect way to prey on the emotions of your close friend. When she tells you not to change the subject and encourages you to see a doctor, just say, “yeah, maybe” and respond to any texts or unimportant emails that come through. At this point, she will be so terrified of losing you, she will sob-text her current roommate Sammi demanding that she move out — SO THAT YOU COULD MOVE IN, GIRLFRIEND! Mission accomplished!
Congratulations. Thanks to your game-playing, your closest confidant is back and ready to cancel plans with everyone else so you two can hang 24/7! Now go watch three seasons of a high quality drama on your BFF’s ex-boyfriend’s stepdad’s HBOGO account – you’ve earned it!
