So I left CVS toting a bag of sour gummy worms, a three-wick Glade Scentsations candle, four copies of Us Weekly, and a kind of weirdly huge box of maxi pads? I was wondering – does this pad make my period look heavy? It’s kind of a long walk to my car and I don’t want to look gross:
1. It’s fine that the packaging describes it as “for the most thunderous of overnight flows,” right?
A. Christ, no. Ew.
B. Of course! Sounds like that maxi pad is a hard worker—just like you, sweetie! You should come home and visit more often.
C. No idea, but I can tell you that I have certainly never seen a tampon described that way.
2. Can you see the outline of my pad through my clothes?
A. Ohhh, that’s what that is. Okay, we had an office pool going around—Ken in accounting was convinced it was some sort of undercover recording device. Ha! Oh he’ll get a real laugh out of that. To be honest though, in that pair of corduroys I can barely tell you’re a woman.
B. No, sweetheart! You look like you’ve got the cutest little tooshie in town, I could just give it a pinch!
C. You know, you wouldn’t have to worry about that if you were wearing a tampon.
3. Is it okay that I don’t have the belt it’s supposed to snap to?
A. What? Okay. Let me ask you something. Do you have a tumor that is pressing against the part of your brain that makes you a self-aware reasonable human being? Because I’m worried about you. Did you find those at a garage sale?
B. Just cinch that right up and make it work. Or pin it right to your panties. Easy as pie!
C. You know that using a tampon doesn’t make you not a virgin anymore, right? Do you know that? I need to hear you say that you know that.
4. Last night Mike and I were making out on the couch and he caressed my behind with hand and immediately started sweating really bad and he said he just remembered he was dog-sitting and had to go and he hasn’t returned any texts and it looks like he unfriended me on Facebook. Should I be worried?
A. I bet visions of that happening monthly for the next 30 years are probably still haunting his dreams.
B. Boys will be boys! They get so squeamish when it comes to female troubles. Why your father couldn’t even be in the delivery room when you and your brother were born!
C. Obviously this would have been a non-issue had you worn a tampon, like a GROWN WOMAN.
Your pad makes your period look heavy. The truth hurts, especially when the truth is that your pad is making your period look like a flowing body that could generate power for an entire city.
Oh, the things you girls worry about nowadays! I am your grandmother.
Seriously though, who uses pads?