You know it’s a bad idea, but you’re looking through old photo albums on your new boyfriend’s Facebook page. While you’re glad that he no longer sports a mushroom cut straight off the head of a character from Boy Meets World, there’s just one thing that bothers you: why the fuck does he still have that album up of his vacation to Cancun with his ex-girlfriend? His pretty ex-girlfriend. Isn’t he over her? Didn’t he already say the L word to you? Dial your panic down to a low simmering dread with these common explanations for why this album still exists:
She’s pretty; you are cute.
Let’s face it: You’re a 6.5. And that’s after you learned how to apply liquid liner from that YouTube video. This girl is a natural 9, even in a photo of her lying in bed with the caption, “The most beautiful thing to wake up to — the love of my life!” On the other contrary, you drool, grind your teeth, and sleep-fart. Start thinking about getting tattooed makeup immediately.
You haven’t gone on a journey of self-discovery yet.
You’ve obviously tracked down this earth angel’s Facebook page by now, and we’re willing to bet there’s at least one picture of her looking hot on an elephant. It looks like she went on a three-week backpacking trip alone. She made friends in foreign countries not simply based on her looks but also her winning personality and foreign language skills?? You, on the other hand, have gotten lost in the mall as an adult. And you don’t even have a passport. Jesus, why don’t you get out there and do something with your life? Find out if Birthright’s free trip to Israel accepts people who went to a bar mitzvah one time.
She was a squirter.
Let’s face it: you’re pretty boring in bed. You make starfishes look athletic, and you can only have an orgasm if he’s looking the other way. Your handsome, virile, intelligent, successful boyfriend misses when his ex would squirt three times in a row before he even touched her. Maybe consider doing reverse cowgirl—at least until it feels “weird.”
You eat processed food.
There is no way your amazing, mesmerizing new boyfriend’s ex eats anything with a wrapper. She probably doesn’t even eat. It looks like she survives on light and air, like a celestial being with perfect tits. The only thing you can tell she ingests is whiskey, which is so cool and you know that. She can handle her alcohol and not end up a sad drunk crying because she is alone and her vibrator ran out of batteries. But at least those kind of endless nights are behind you! Until he gets tired of your path-of-least-resistance life habits.
Your insecurities are a big turn-off.
You’ve been poring over this Facebook album while his ex is busy pursuing her dreams – so maybe you should be too? Taking the first step is as easy as posting an empowering selfie, so get to it!