Whether you’re a seasoned senior or a shaky freshman, you’ve already checked off the essentials on your college packing list. But have you found something to hate about yourself yet? Start your semester off right with the following super stylish insecurities!
Your Childhood: Unresolved childhood trauma is like your fave leather jacket: if given proper maintenance and attention, it will only become cooler and more complex over time. Suppressed memories add an ultra-trendy vibe to the ‘distressed’look, and can be accessorized with tons of other uncertainties through college and beyond.
Your Sexuality: If you haven’t upgraded your sexual insecurity into a full-blown sexual identity crisis, are you even in college? After leaving your conservative hometown, develop a shameful sexual desire that would make your mother cry onto your father’s shoulder for days! Just make sure to be confused about them in the process and let everybody know about it. This versatile insecurity adds extra dimension to your personality, garnering both the sympathy of campus liberals and the noteworthy ire of misogynistic frat guys.
How Poor You Are: Back home you felt middle-class, but at your private university you feel you may as well have been on food stamps. Perfect! This marginalizing insecurity functions like emotional Adderall; eschew human interaction to focus on a perfect GPA, so you’ll possess at least one thing the other girls in your dorm will covet (‘cause they won’t be salivating over your knock-off North Face jacket or out-of-the-box highlights).
Your Body: No college packing list is complete without a frightening, all-consuming body image issue. This dorm room essential really works anywhere – from the dining hall to the handicapped stall where you muffle your sobs! Don’t settle for boring acne or hair problems: A well-thought-out body image complex should provide you with the tools to navigate all social situations with awkward notoriety.
Your “Individuality”: It may seem daunting, but with enough unrealistic expectations and self-doubt, anyone can pull of this trendy insecurity. Simply identify a group of peeps who have a distinct way of dressing and behaving, and blend your way right on in to begin your struggle to be an “individual.” This insecurity is a real-time saver; without the need for real, independent thought or decision-making, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to skip Philosophy 101 just so you can worry about your “identity formation” and your “sense of self.” What is freedom, amirite?
Remember: if you don’t return to school with at least one valid insecurity, people will think you are better than them. You wouldn’t want people to think that, would you?